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Her voice hit me like a drunk driver, and carelessly left me in the same way.
I watched my feelings glide away, and fall apart- like a ship hitting a shallow beach decorated with towering rocks, and shattering into a million pieces. My heart felt the same way. I stood still, as I felt every little bit of me slowly eroding into nothing-ness, and all I could do was sign.
I was out of my body, peering into my own life. I watched myself walk across the bridge (alone) and onto the station platform, and slump onto the long bench with little enthusiasm. I stared as the train reached its destination, people poured on and off hastily and with no consideration for the rest of the world. All their cares set on where they wanted to be. My face was against the window, longingly wishing she was waiting on the other side, seeing me off. A small vote of confidence for our future, I saw nothing. I sit across from myself in carriage D- a table seat. We pass Surbiton, and a few other places that I don’t know. My face looks swamped in memories, which are spilling out of my eyes like a bath, which someone had left unattended for a few hours.
The train rickets and shakes its way to Waterloo and I see more tears making their own journey, from the lids of my eyes and down to the frame of my face. I appear confused and lost in the hazy light of the sun.
It’s about 12:37 now, the day is at its peak and I look like I am about to reach the pinnacle of this great mood like-wise.
The people around me (and my other self) are staring, wondering. Contemplating their lives and my own, for a few moments we are all in the same place, we all slow a little.
We all jolt, and pick up pace again. “Waterloo will be the next station”. I watch myself realise, and damn the small river from my eyes, and prepare for my exit off the train. I stagger a little, not being too careful of my steps, what’s the point?
My feet drag on the floor; I realised we didn’t know where we were. I caught sight of us both in the mirrored walls, I am what I am, what I am I thought, It’s a small world, people are people wherever you go. I watched myself meet with my dad once more and return to reality. You will always catch up with yourself.
This is going to kill me.
God this hurts.
I had forgetten what slimey, vile and intollerable pigs you are. Thanks for reminding me.
Much appreciated.
Jesus Christ.
Why would you take your child to see that? In now way is it a childrens film D:
Teenage 'love' is just a void where delusion crap that people spit out is acceptable and any sort of blathering drivvle is meaningful. "You are the reason I live! The very oxygen I breathe! The snot from my nose! The sweat from my brow!". It all means pretty much the same thing :P
My alcohol levels are low and my level of irritation is climbing. Seriously, someone just come out for a drink soon..
Hell yeah.
I re-wrote this basically from memory in my English exam today.
I got lucky- as one of the questions was like 'describe and explain a significant event in your life. Describe what happened and how it made you feel' Best exam ever, mate.
- Location:Here, relapsing =D
- Mood:I R DEPRESSED.
- Music:Soul
I suppose this is what determines the strength in a relationship, whether it be technical or not. Feelings and communication are the ultimate foundations to a healthy partnership. So of course, they're the biggest barriers.
How do you know when to stop giving? When you know you're already giving so much to them, and giving so much from inside yourself. Is there a point where they return everything, or are you just left to wait until you've given your whole life to them?
I don't want to fall in love, because love's a deep, dark hole which you can't get yourself out of. Love misleads you, and forces you to let down your own barriers, and forget about your own insecurities, worries, fears and difficult feelings, because they are the things which rebel against love.
Love creates us, and it also destroys us.
Love repairs us, but also leaves gaping holes where it used to lie with us.
Love is always strong, so it can always beat you up when it feels like it.
She got her lip done and all that jazz and erm yeah then we went to loads of places...can't really remember where/why though. I got an early train back from Helsby, so I got in before 5.
Then I met up with everyone (and Amy- eventually) and we saw Sex and the City, which was actually a pretty impressive film I may add.
Some freak-of-a-woman cackled towards the end of the film, and everyone laughed XD. I spend the whole time commenting on the state of the people's fucking noses. Shabby workman ship. THEN loads of people fucked off to go and get a pizza, or something equally hetro, so me, Amy, Soph and Michelle decided to go drinking as planned regardless.
We ended up in the Gay Village, and we went to Baa Bar (which I love :D) While there however, I saw a teacher from Trinity (who i'd kinda guessed was gay ANYWAY) So we had a few cheap drinks and some shooters (mmmm..) then the other's wanted to go to a 'proper club' which I was not appropriately dressed for (I.e. I looked like a DYKE) so I myself fucked off onto a bus home. Only when I got to old trafford, did i realise there was a fucking bruce springsteen concert (WTF SRSLY) so i got stuck in fucking traffird.
FUCK.
Editors.
How many people were there?
No idea.
What bands have you seen in concert the most, and how many times?
erm Editors- 3 Brand New- 2 and The Subways- 2. I'm a bit sad really.
Do you have any setlists? From what bands?
No, ha, ha.
Are there any CDs in close proximity to you? Which ones?
All my CDs hah.
What band are you in the mood to see live right this second?
Brand New I suppose I've been moping in them for weeks now.
Have you ever been on a tour bus?
No.
Have you ever partied with a band?
No.
How many states/provinces have you been to concerts in?
Manchester, London and Leeds.
What bands did you see live the month of May?
Editors.
What CD are you addicted to at the moment?
Brand New have swallowed me again.
Who is one band that you used to like, but now you can't stand?
Green Day :S
So irritating.
Have you ever been on anyone's guest list? Whose?
The Fall.
Last band person that you got a picture with?
I don't know probably Editors.
Now I feel really sad.
Do you consider yourself a groupie?
No.
How old were you when you went to your first concert?
12.
Who was it?
Kasabian.
Which artists haven't you seen yet that you want to see?
Radiohead..hopefuly I'm going anyway.
Placebo- even though I watched them for a little bit at Leeds- I'd like to do it properly.
Are you wearing a band shirt right now?
No.
What band do you own the most merch of?
I'm not really that materially engrossed with bands.
I don't like being a walking advertisement
Do you ever do anything crazy at shows?
Yeah, maybe.
What are your favourite venues to go to shows at?
Academy.
What band do you have the most performance pictures of?
I don't know.
Would you ever get a tattoo representing a band?
Maybe only if it really would eat me up if I didn't do it.
How many concerts do you go to on average a year?
Hardly any.
Upcoming shows?
Leeds, Radiohead- possibly.
I don't really have any to go to- as I don't really have anyone to go with. Sad bastard.
There are even clocks- they're amaaazin! I want one so bad D:
I'm quite happy with what people ahve got me this year, i've only got two presents but hey, less people to return favours to :P
My lovely friend Sarah decided to buy me the appropriate gift of theof 'The Moonligh Sonata' first movement with others by Beethoven (obviously) although some of the other movements look a bit frightening, I'm happy to say i'm half way through the first. I'd like to learn the others properly mind, as everyone plays the first movement.
I've spent most of my time churning out cards for people, I never realised how draining it was, untill I actually made them this year- with effort. I managed to make two particularly lovely ones, the other ones were just a bit shit because I'm not to bothered about the other people who got 'em.
Anyway, I got my septum done today, it was relitively painless- much to my surprise. I expected it to have the painful, eye-watering effect like my nose, but it didn't. I can't really tell it's there, well apart from the fact that it is.
According to my mum, I am now a bull (even though I don't have a ring in it?) and am ready to be sold on the black market for rune stones lol.
Merii kurisumaso everyone :3!
You want to feel, how it feels?
You want to know, know that it doesn't hurt me?
You want to hear about the deal I'm making.
You, (If I only could, be running up that hill)
You and me (If I only could, be running up that hill)
And if I only could,
Make a deal with God,
Get him to swap our places,
Be running up that road,
Be running up that hill,
Be running up that building.
If I only could
You don't want to hurt me,
But see how deep the bullet lies.
Unaware that I'm tearing you asunder.
There's a thunder in our hearts, baby
So much hate for the ones we love?
Tell me, we both matter, don't we?
You, (If I only could, be running up that hill)
You and me (If I only could, be running up that hill)
You and me, won't be unhappy
And if I only could,
Make a deal with God,
And get him to swap our places,
Be running up that road,
Be running up that hill,
Be running up that building.
If I only could
Come on, baby, come on, come on, darling,
Let me steal this moment from you now.
Come on angel, come on, come on, darling,
Let's exchange the experience
And if I only could,
Make a deal with God,
And get him to swap our places,
Be running up that road,
Be running up that hill,
With no problems.
And if I only could,
Make a deal with God,
And I'd get him to swap our places,
Be running up that road,
Be running up that hill,
With no problems.
If I only could, be running up that hill
If I only could, be running up that hill
If I only could, be running up that hill
If I only could, be running up that hill
If I only could, be running up that hill
If I only could, be running up that hill
If I only could, be running up that hill
Everything somehow seems fine, in the most obsurd way. I've just given up trying, I can't be bothered with anyone anymore. Something so small, but that has the power to move the moutains in my mind into a subsidence, that makes me feel so empty and hollow. There's no one to talk to anymore; so many people that would rather sit there in silence- if that's the alternative to breathing a word to me. Maybe too many people have just seen me at my breaking point, so they can't speak to me anymore. That would make some kind of sence I suppose.
Sometimes, I just want to find somewhere quite, with my unreasonably sized art folder (which has all my unreasonably big work in) and sit there, and destroy it all. It's become easier to do that now- everything looks so wrong. But if I did that, everyone would just tell me how stupid I am. So I'd destroy myself aswell.
Art almost seems like a vice right now. It used to be my escape from everything, my one thing that was special to me. But now it just makes me want to give up more, because it makes me feel useless. No one even thinks of me as creative anymore, because there are so many other people who are better than me- whom everybody likes. I seem to be able to solve an equasion now., but I can't put a picture together? IT'S ALL SO WRONG.
They all think it's funny when I'm having a bad day. When I throw all my work away that I've managed to force myself to do. All my figures and flowers are in irrepearable bits and pieces, they don't look too different.
In desperation I'm trying to help other people, but all they do is reject it, by being selfish and absorbed. It pushes the thought into my head that it's all their own fault. But it isn't, it's so confusing, so complex. There are so many different faces, so many people hanging by a thread, and so many people having the time of their life.
- Music:BR& New
I fucking hate gauges.
It's has loads of stuff in it, like secret and stuff that never really got explained :P
It also has the models of Kira etc.. that Near made and this card with L's real name on it D:
It was released in Japan last week, so up to now is only available in Japanese o.O;
I though about getting the Japenease one anyway..but I realised the only Japanease In know is 'Moshi Moshi', 'Sayonara' and 'Hai'... But it comes out in English in Feb anyway :D Around the same time the 'L' film is released aswell. A whole film about L, it's almost unreal.
I loved the campus. It was just so serene, and seemed completly separated from all the boistrous noise of Wilmslow Road. From the second i went into the café area and saw there was art on the walls, xaverian was in my good books.
First of all we went over to the art and design block, to check out 'general' art and photography, so we wandered around a bit (I say 'a bit' lightly..I admitt we were there for quite a while..) - me totally in love and giddy about the art room, and my dad looking bored as a dead plant. I then naturally had to talk to the teacher about everything I could think to ask her, my main question was 'What are the limits?' When she said there were none, I felt so relieved .
Then she talked me through a sketch book someone had done, expalining things to me and giving me tips etc, which was useful. I love the style of sketchbook, it looks like how a sketch book should look, not like the bollocks ones at school. You can really express your ideas freely and talk about what imspired you by using imagery, decoration and colours. The whole room just leaked freedom.
Next, we went and looked in the photography and after looking for any of Amy's or Loz's work and not finding any I started to have a look around properly. Some of the photographs were really interesting like some of the slow shutter speed portraits and certain ones that used macro and fish-eye lenses. There was a nice montage of facial expressions which I liked, and also some structure photography I really warmed too.
My dad dragged me away from art and we walked over to the English block, to have a look around there. Everyone was very enthusiastic, which frightened me a bit to be honest. They were all very accurate in what they wanted and provided in their courses...the LangLit guy was really jolly and seemed to be following us around for the rest of the day after we'd been in the langlit room. We went the the language room next, the woman in there was very foward aswell, I couldn't get a word in edge ways.
She asked me if I knew anyone who was on the course or involved in it, so I mentioned Mary as she was the first that came to mind. She was suddently full of praise for Mary and her gig article for the school paper thing. So Xar kudos for you Mary! ;3 We also looked at the literiture and then went over to the language block, where my dad started waffling on to the spanish teacher about spain and how this old woman he saw frequently was the daughter of this irish guy who managed either Madrid or Barca after managing Man U in WW1. Oh god I though it'd never get out of there.
The final trip was the music department, when I told him I went to trinity, he told me he went to school with Mr. Bowden which he seemed very pleased with himself about. I went into one the practise rooms and played the piano, which my dad scowling at me, and then he walked in and said 'Very nice!'...so I stopped. When i walked out I got bombarded with noise and various versions of 'HIIII!' from people in my form. I swear they never give me the time of day at school, but at random times, decide to notice that I actually exist. I saw them all on more than one occasion, all the occasions were obviously the same, with all the waving and 'Hello ooh you look nice!' I think next time I see them, I'll retaliate with the same attitude just to see how they react.
We went to the Head's talk, which was basically what the PSHE talk we had on Thursday entailed.
Then we had a look in the library, were pleased with it, re-visited the art block again, to give everything another once over and set off to On the eigth day. I had a really spicey bean thing there which I knew wasn't, a good idea from the start, and my mouth died.
I'm gonna go and see control at some point soon, so yeah if anyone fancies going, let me know.
- Location:Ho~me
- Mood:
Alright - Music:The Bluetones- Slight return
The new Spanish teacher is also quite nice, it's very comforting when they know how to say your name, I spoke to her after, when i was finishing my sentence (haha geek, I know) and I mentioned it to her and she said that she knew how to pronounce my name because she has a Hebe in her garden. This made me really happy, haha.
Then I went to music, with an really odd energy, so when I sat down I was just going insane. Then I went over to the piano and got The Moonlgiht Sonata out of my system..and felt better for some reason.
Then Mr. Bowden layed the presentation evening on us :| It's March 11th for fucks sake. Also he said I have to do an ensemble piece :S which struck me a bit. So I've figured I'll just do Love Cats and just drag a few people into it, to play drums, guitar and piano. There's so many people who play piano, and then there's Joe who plays drums....I wish I could just have Amy, haha. I just know I want to get it sorted out.
Art's also rearing it's ugly coursework sketchbook head at me, I've done so much art this summer....just not necessarily coursework-related art.I have to ahve it all done by Thursday...it's so hard writing about my first mock exam piece though, It's just SO SHIT, I hate it so much. It was such a good idea, but somehow it turned out so bollocks, luckily I have my nice second piece to save me though. I wish couldn't just my mum as my studyed artist or myself I don't want to look at other people's work, because it's not what I can relate my work to, especially my work from outside school.
I used up all my black ink on my latest piece, which is a bit annoying. I'd appriciate osme constructive crit on it really. Sorry to be so demanding, but here it is anyway.
Pretty bad photo I might, the focus went off her eye...for some amd reason
Anyway yeah, I'm going crazy ahhh.
- Music:Nine Inch Nails.
I put under the cut so like...flists weren't destroyed, lol
Ugh this day has been so shit, lol. I woke up 15 mniutes before Depercussion started...which sucked loads. Especially as it was the last one ever..
I can't believe noone woke me up...or liek contactd me this morning to say like 'Hey, you going?'
Thios really pissed me off, I mean we did all speak about it but we never arranged to meet anywhere etc. I suppose I could have contacted them, but what's the point? They couldn't be bothered contacting me.
I did get photoshop working today...and made some gay thing with some pictures I took of my Orchids and Sunflowers...what an amazing day.
- Location:Home.
- Mood:
AAAGGHHH - Music:Wednesday 13...haha
